


Dream Diary

by DivineValley



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, hurt Ferdiand, might be some body horror down the line?, no beta we die like Glenn, very hurt Ferdianad!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26374957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineValley/pseuds/DivineValley
Summary: In dreams anything one desires can come true...For Ferdinand it's become his only place of respite from the cold reality that was now his world.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Kudos: 29





	1. Marigold Maze

The marigolds are in full bloom, they’re truly beautiful, a flower Ferdinand has always admired. The garden was aglow with the golden hues of their petals they seemed to stretch out as far as his eyes can see. 

Truly wonderful.

He is lost among them but he does not mind. The distant sounds of songbirds sound overhead the breeze gently passing by. If only he could stay here forever. Enjoying this peace...why if he lay down in the grass right now he’d surely fall right to sleep.

“Like a spoiled house cat, hm?” 

Turning his head he is greeted by a familiar face, he smiles and steps forward to greet him. Hubert’s face is the same as always, His lips pulled up into a smirk and his eyes holding a glint of something one might describe as mischief. 

Or perhaps something darker. 

“So it seems you’ve been wandering about in aimless circles making eyes at flowers. Truly, perhaps you are as simple minded as I believe.” 

Hubert’s tone is mocking, he looks at Ferdinand as though he’s lower than the ground they stand upon but he feels no anger. No rush of insults leaves his own mouth in retaliation. He simply laughs and embraces the breeze. 

“You sound different, I’ve forgotten how you’d use to speak to me.” With such a guarded tone of indifference. “...In some ways I miss this. Miss this you.”

“What are you going about now?” 

Hubert’s annoyance seems to deepen and despite it Ferdinand just smiles more. He cannot help himself. He does not miss the antagonism between them but to see Hubert so young and somewhat carefree...it’s a small pleasure he shall enjoy in this moment. 

Ferdinand reaches down plucking a marigold and twirls the stem with his fingers. The wind picks up again and as he reaches with his right hand to push a strand of hair behind his ear he’s met with open air. 

Ah, it’s nearly time. 

His eyes flit upward, the sky was turning, the clear blue fading into something darker. Nearly black as night but no stars could be seen shining above. 

“...I hope you’re here next time as well…” He turns his attention back to Hubert, he tries to memorize the details of his face, the design of his academy uniform. A Hubert from a time long past. 

The marigold crumbles into dust, he lets it fall through his fingers and vanish into the air.

The garden begins to fade away around them, Hubert's mouth opens as though he wishes to say more, his hand outstretched before he too is gone.

_Where are you...right now? Are you still out there?_

The ground beneath his feet is gone but he remains standing. He fights the sensation of wanting to fall, perhaps if had a stronger will the garden would return. The marigolds would surround him once more and Hubert...Hubert will remain at his side.

_Where are you?_

He tries to raise his hand to the nonexistent sky as if seeking out someone else's to grasp. He begin to fall now, sinking into an abyss of nothingness.

 _If only I could stay here forever._ Would you find me?

He knows it’s impossible so he closes his eyes and allows himself to fade away as well…

* * *

  
Ferdinand’s eyes open to his dorm room, he hears the sounds of someone on the other side of his small space. He stiffly moves to sit up but in his haze he forgets and ends up falling right back into his pillows.

“Oh! Ferdinand, you’re awake, good morning!” 

Mercedes is at his bedside, her kind smile lifts his mood for only a moment until the waking world settles in. He allows her to aid him in sitting up and half heartedly listens to her speak of the weather, how it was a warm sunny day. 

Not that he’d be able to enjoy...at least not alone. 

She dutifully makes sure he’s propped up on his pillows and places a trey of his breakfast over his lap. He truly has no desire to eat. Mercedes next makes an attempt of feeding him, offering him a piece of fruit but he moves his face away.

“I can...do it myself Mercedes. You don’t have to babysit me…”

“Well...I thought you could use some company-” She tries to insist, there is sympathy in her eyes. 

“It’s fine. Truly.” 

He makes it final and he watches her nod her head she gathers up the utensils and heads to the door. She stops a moment as he hand grips the doorknob. “The Professor will by later speak with you...just to let you know. I’ll also be back to help with your bandages.” 

The door opens and he is able to catch a glimpse of the guards stationed right outside. Did they believe he would try to harm? Did they think him to be that desperate? Even if he were to try something there’d be no way of escape...there was so little he could do in this state. 

Ferdinand takes a piece of fruit, his hand trembling as he lifts it to his mouth. He only allows himself to eat enough to quell the initial hunger before he pushes the rest aside. It’s difficult to do so but he manages to do it without causing anything to fall. 

A sigh escapes him, he falls back into the pillows and stares emptily up at the ceiling. What good was it for the professor to visit him? In hopes he would speak? That he’d breakdown and spill the empire’s secrets? 

No, he had nothing to say…

He shifts to lay on his right side but immediately flinches, yet again somehow he’s forgotten. It’s been weeks, how does he forget? 

He doesn’t want to look down. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it. 

Yet he swallows thickly and dares to let his eyes wander downward to see what remained of his arm. 

Right beneath the elbow the limb was no more. Thick bandages are wrapped tightly around the stump, he has yet been able to muster the courage to look at it bare of them. He’s yet to actually see his own reflection since arriving here. 

All things deemed dangerous had been removed from his room which included the mirror. They thought him to be a danger to others...or perhaps a danger to himself. 

Maybe he was.

Ferdinand closes his eyes once more in hopes to be lost in a world of dreams.

* * *

  
The professor comes for a visit, he wonders if he is truly the same same he had met five years ago. His facial expressions are more than just a blank look, his voice holds emotion to it and his smiles seem less hollow. Though he was not the teacher of the Black Eagles he had always made an effort in helping all the students of the academy. Ferdinand had been tempted more than once with the idea of requesting to change classes from the sheer gap in skill the Blue Lions had since gaining such an instructor. 

Ferdinand wonders what life would have been like if he had walked down that path. 

Such what if's could drive a person mad. 

He sits across from the bed by his old desk, legs crossed a calm smile on his face, Ferdinand is unsure whether to find it a comfort or disturbing. This...this behavior was it to get him to crack? To weaken him like it had Lorenz? His companion had also been taken into custody though he had willingly given in on the battle field. He escaped Myrddin with mere bruises and cuts while Ferdinand suffered more gruesomely.

The loss of a limb, his head nearly split open...the list went on but he pushes it to the back of his mind. It was best not to dwell on such things. 

"You're looking better, Mercedes did mention the color was starting to return to your cheeks, I'm glad."

He doesn't respond and keeps his eyes fixed on a certain point right above the professor's head. 

"She's told me that you refuse most meals...you have to gain your strength if you wish to recover. If you cannot stand how will we be able to continue your treatment?"

Stop...

"Lorenz wishes to visit you, he's worried about you as well," 

Worried? He gave in, he betrayed their cause, what they believed in, what they were fighting for all to save his own life. 

His grip tightens on the sheets covering him, white knuckled his nails dig into his palm painfully. 

"Ferdinand-"

"That's enough!" He snaps at him and hot anger coils in his stomach, at last their eyes meet and he tries to bite away stinging tears. "You will not gain anything from these little visits, professor. Nothing, you will gain nothing from me! If you believe this is a kindness you've extended to me, in sparing me...I did not ask for it, I most certainly did not beg for it! So at least give me the dignity in what I choose to ear or whom I speak to, at least allow me that!" His breathing was ragged now, lungs aching from the outburst.

That calm aloof stare had returned, had he nothing more to say?

The professor stands and seems to accept his words for the time being. Ferdinand duly notices him place something on the desk, his back now turned to him. "I didn't...want any of this to happen Ferdinand...I so desperately didn't want any of this..." He pats whatever he had place down on the table and from his cloak reveals an ink pot and pen. "I don't ask for information, I don't ask that you betray your home. If you don't want to talk to anyone...perhaps writing your feelings would help? Distract your mind for a bit." And like that he is gone and Ferdinand is once again alone.

Write? How foolish, does he expect him to keep a diary in the hopes of gaining something? Even if Ferdinand chose to believe his words how was that a just cause for what had been done to him? If anything it should be an insult to assume he could even still write in his condition...even if had gloated often how he had the skill to write with both hands when he was young. His right hand had always been more dominant...he could no longer wield a weapon like this. 

Ferdinand makes the decision to not touch the book, it was an insult to his restraint and will power.

...Yet by nightfall his mental fortitude had come to it's lowest point. It was always more dangerous at night, the sounds of the outside world had all but vanished and he was left alone with his thoughts.

The book sits upon the desk as if mocking him. Out of reach, the man could have had the decency of leaving it on his bedside table couldn't he?

It's a struggle, his body all but screams as he makes his move, horribly slow he somehow manages to stand but is hit by dizziness that he quickly has to lean against the wall. Best not to sustain any other head injuries, though maybe a swift blow to the head would take care of all his problems...It seems his optimism has finally been used up...he silently apologized to Hubert in his head before he dragged his feet to the desk and collapsed into the chair. 

A simple leather-bound journal lay before him, it resembled the kinds students would often take notes in. It'll be difficult to write in it normally, especially left handed so instead of the front cover he flipped the journal the other way and opened the back cover. A somewhat solution to his problems. He next investigates the quill, dull pointed, no surprise, in case he had ideas. He dips the tip into the inkwell and tests the waters by writing his name. 

Atrocious, he cringes at his handiwork, his hand shook the entire time, he was weak...seems he couldn't perform any actions without a tremor present. Over and over he repeats the process of writing his name as practice, it legible but resembles something a child would write. He turns to a new page to begin a new repeating list of Ferdinand von Aeigers when his mind begins to drift. His head empty, forcibly so, keeping at bay thoughts of these last few weeks desperate for release when golden petals suddenly fill his mind.

The marigolds? His dream from the morning...he had nearly forgotten it. It had been a peaceful moment of time...how could he forget? 

He reapplies more ink and sets the pen to paper.

 _Marigolds, endless in all directions. Abloom of perfection and beauty and amongst them is you, a shadow that contrasts, curled smile, eyes aglow with devious intentions. And though your presence should cause_ _discomfort it brings me nothing but peace. Let's meet again among them, in the Marigold Maze...so that I may see your shining eyes, listen to the wicked whispers that leave your lips and find solace within your words once more._


	2. The Pink Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are no islands in the horizon, no ships to be seen, not even the call gulls that usually inhabit such places. The air is not salty either but sweet? Yes, yes sweet in a way that reminds him of the fruit blends of tea he enjoys so much.

There is no set routine in which Ferdinand followed as a prisoner of war, though to be called such seemed almost unfair compared to the conditions he’s seen others suffer. He was painfully aware he was given special treatment whether it be due to his condition or perhaps the sentimentality in which his captors held for him, he could not say. His days were spent in bed, not much else, he could not move easily on his own, his legs still not strong enough to support himself. 

Though he was able to make it to his desk it was a challenge, returning to his bed afterwards was just as difficult but he couldn’t write easily without a hard surface to lean on. His diary has not been tampered with at least not that he’s noticed. There was no useful information within its pages, nothing the Kingdom army would find valuable, just the sloppy writings of his odd dreams. Though he was assured no further harm would befall him, Ferdinand couldn’t dismiss the possibility of torture. 

Ferdinand doubts there’s anyone within the kingdom army who takes such pleasures in the act. Did they even have a spies amongst their ranks? Someone willing to stain their hands in such distasteful affairs? Maybe Felix but he’s more of a ruffian than anything else. It takes a skill to extract information out of an unwilling victim. 

Prince Dimitri’s image appears in his mind, a cold shiver travels down his spine. 

No, no the state he is in the once noble prince would sooner kill him than actually successfully get any secrets from Ferdinand. That was their goal after all wasn’t it? 

The only constants to his days were when he was being looked after. When his meals were taken to him or when he was cleaned. It was shameful, mortifying, so much so he had at first wanted to stew in his own stink and filth than be treated like some child. But he had no choice unfortunately. So each time it happens Ferdinand must bite down the humiliation of it all. He wasn’t allowed the decency or privacy to even care for himself even if he couldn’t truly accomplish it himself.

He lays in bed as usual when the Professor arrives for yet another of his visits. Ferdinand doesn’t pay attention, his mind far away and unwilling to listen. The words pass through faintly as he simply stares at the same spot as always when he jolts slightly when something is placed right into his hand. 

An apple.

“I already was given breakfast this morning. Don’t waste such things on me.” He offers it back to the man but the Professor stubbornly refuses. 

“Ferdinand you must eat. You cannot keep denying yourself food.”

Funny, he was being denied quite a number of things right now. What does it matter if he doesn’t eat? He ate only enough to stave off complete starvation. Someone else should be given his meals, a soldier in their ranks who needs it or perhaps a child who’s in desperate need of any meal they can come by. 

“I’m not some house pet you can just bring meals to. I’m sure there are far more important manners for you to attend to.” His patience has already run out; it seems to grow shorter with each passing day. “If you have nothing further to say to me then I please ask that you leave me. Now.” 

No other words are said and Ferdinand does not allow his body to relax until the door is firmly shut. Even so...will he ever be able to let his guard down? He casts a look to where the Professor once stood. 

Was he being childish? This is not the kind of behavior that was becoming of a noble but...was he even one anymore?

What was he now?

Ferdinand sighs as he reaches up, his fingers gently trace over the stitches that have been sewn into his head. He counts fifteen of them, his hair had been cut away, it’s shorter than he can ever recall having it. Though he hadn’t intended on growing it out as much as it had the war had preoccupied all his attention. There was no time to be vain and focus self grooming but now that it was gone it felt wrong…

Everything about him felt wrong, his body was a strange alien being he wishes he could escape from. Another prison he has been trapped within. He bites back tears, he will not let them fall. He has no right to cry for he is still alive unlike so many others who he had served beside in Myrddin. 

As he curls up into a ball he tentatively touches his arm, what remains of it and squeezes his eyes shut. Hunger claws at his stomach, a painful growl fills his ears but he ignores it. He has no right to feel this way, not as long as he continues to draw breath. He pictures a box within him, it nearly overflows with these emotions but he pushes the lid down, to seal them away. To leave him be at least for a little longer...please. 

* * *

  
There is sand beneath his feet, the grains fill the spaces between his toes as the surf of the ocean washes over them. Strangely enough the water is a color he had never seen before, pink, a pink that reminds him of the flush of one’s cheeks. One person in particular comes to mind but his focus is more drawn to the great sea before him. 

How bizarre, how does such a place exist? The sky even seems to hold a similar hue with perfect puffy clouds lazily drift across it. Where in the world was he? With little else he can do he begins to walk along the water’s edge to see what else there was to find here. 

There are no islands in the horizon, no ships to be seen, not even the call gulls that usually inhabit such places. The air is not salty either but sweet? Yes, yes sweet in a way that reminds him of the fruit blends of tea he enjoys so much. 

Could it be?

Curiosity gets the best of him, he leans down and cups his hands as he gathers some of the pink water into his palms. The sweet smell is indeed coming from the water and he brings it to his lips for a taste…

“Drinking seawater now? That’s a bit troubling.”

Ferdinand spits it out, his entire body jumps at the sudden voice that he nearly trips over and falls into an incoming wave. Once he’s steady on his feet he looks up and finds his heart skipping a beat, a smile spreads across his face that he can’t help but laugh!

“Dorothea!” 

There she was, a vision of beauty as always though her attire is a bit strange. Her long hair is tied into a braid and her dress looks like it's made of a light fabric with a beautiful floral pattern adorning it. And upon her head is a rather large looking hat with a brim that could easily block out the sun. Clothing aside he could care less about what she was wearing; he was far too happy just to see her! She returns his smile and approaches him, a warm embrace, oh how he’s missed her hugs. How he’s missed being held by anyone in general he could simply stay like this forever. 

“What are you do-” She places a finger to his lips to stop him from finishing his sentence and starts to drag him further down the beach. “Dorothea, where are we going?” He asks but allows her to do so, her hands hooked around his arm so they were now walking side by side. 

“We’re going for lunch obviously, when was the last time we sat down together?” She points up ahead to a gazebo that he was sure he had not seen only moments before. Inside it was a table filled to the brim with all kinds of foods, their own private feast!

A giggle leaves her, she takes his hand and runs up the steps of the gazebo and has him sit down in a chair before she takes her own across from him. Never has he seen her with such childlike glee it’s infectious and he finds himself laughing alongside her. His dear friend once more at his side, a strange but beautiful sight surrounds them as the sounds of the distant waves seem to serenade them. 

“Isn’t it amazing? Who would dream such a place could exist...I almost feel like a Goddess of Water~” 

She was clearly joking but Ferdinand can’t help but agree. Dorothea could be the very image of the Goddess at least that’s how she was in his eyes. 

"It truly is a fantastic view...I could see myself staying here forever…” 

“Sadly nothing can truly last forever…” She sounds so serious it catches him off guard but there is still a smile on her face. “Much like delicious food! Come it’s best to eat it while it’s still nice and hot!”

The smell of the food fills his nostrils, his stomach aches with want and he’s about ready to devour the plate closest to him but stops. He is unsure why but he does. 

He is no longer hungry and pushes it away.

“Ferdie…” Dorothea calls his name, her tone now serious as she rests her elbows on the table. “You should eat, this was made for you after all, it shouldn’t go to waste.”

“It shall not, you can enjoy it~ Please, go ahead I insist.” He says, he leans back but is not able to escape that look. 

“You’re hungry, Ferdinand,”

“No, no really I’m fine.”

“You’re starving yourself. Can’t you see what’s becoming of your body?”

His clothes feel looser suddenly, his wrists slimmer than they had. A constant pain in the pit of his stomach. 

“I...I don’t...I can’t, I can’t…” 

If he accepts any more than he should, if he gives in...if he surrenders…

He grits his teeth as he feels the familiar tremors that consume him far too often, he can feel his mind starting to spiral, his thoughts brew a storm but it grows silent when warm hands touch his face. Dorothe is knelt before him, her thumbs gently brush over his cheeks. He can't help but lean into the touch not wanting to lose it, to lose her.

“You need to eat, so you can get back strength, so you can come to us.”

Come home? Was it truly possible?

“You won’t know if you die of starvation you stubborn man. Honestly...aren’t you nobles supposed to be oh so intelligent? Right now I’m just looking at an idiot.”

A weak laugh leaves him, he smiles at her. 

“I miss you...I miss you so much.” His throat tightens, he doesn’t want her to go. He wants her to stay, wants to beg and plead for her to stay. 

“I miss you too...we all do. Which is why you need to get stronger, you need to get back your strength. Come back to us Ferdinand, come home.”

He slips from his chair into her arms and buries his face into the crook of her neck. 

He repeats her name, over and over again as if somehow it’ll keep her here.

The waves sound farther away now, the sweet scent of the air vanishes and Dorothea’s warmth too is gone from his arms. 

“Come home, Ferdie.”

It’s the last words he can understand as he falls into the sea.

* * *

His vision is blurry as he wakes to a dark room, another day spent in sleep. Ferdinand lazily turns over bringing the blankets with him when something falls to the ground beside his bed. He peers over the edge to find the apple there untouched from this morning. 

Ferdinand almost ignores it, he almost throws it under the bed so it could rot and be forgotten. Instead he picks it up and takes a bite into it.

Sweet, so sweet. It may be the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted in his entire life. 

He devours it, core and all in a matter of seconds, juice drips from his lips as he moves haphazardly to his desk. The darkness makes it difficult to see but he doesn’t care, he must write while the images are still fresh in his mind. 

_The Goddess of Water sits by the shore, a banquet of food before her. Her hands are warm and smile more beautiful than anything I can recall. The Pink Sea with its white sand...its waters taste like apples? Or perhaps it was strawberries? If I ever return there I’d like to try and drink from it again. Even if she teases him._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two is here! Hope everyone enjoys it and i wonder if anyone gets the references for the title of the story and this chapter! This is my first time writing Ferdinand and Dorothea to be honest...actually most of the Black Eagles so I'll keep trying my best with them!

**Author's Note:**

> So perhaps this will become multi-chapter? I'm not sure as of yet since work is hectic but I was really struck with this idea. If anyone wants to see more let me know! Also with a chapter one update cause I honestly got hit with more inspiration in the evening!


End file.
